Love

I was thinking tonight that I feel obligated to love people unconditionally. And before I was able to think much farther I immediately got mad at all the people who don't love me unconditionally. I am mad at not being loved the way that I am supposed to be loved. Perfectly. Instead people disappoint me, fail me, forget about me, don't like me or want to be around the sick girl, she's no fun. They forget the most important day of my life, three years running now. They forget to come and meet me here. They forget about me. And that isn't unconditional love.

But I know I am supposed to be loved unconditionally. I feel it, somewhere inside, this emptiness I just know could be fixed with unconditional love. So why can't they love me unconditionally. I feel I am supposed to, but it is like they don't know they are supposed to.

Ok, I am not very good at it either. Ok, so I really stink at it. Am no good at it most of the time. I forget about people and am not there for them the way I am supposed to be, the way I want them to be there for me...

So what does that mean? What does that say about us as humans? I think we really don't know how to love. I think we don't know how to love well. I think we don't know how to love unconditionally. But then again, sometimes people do.

I think when a parent holds their baby in their arms for the first time they know love, and they know it unconditionally. When you see a puppy and find out he is going to be yours, you know love, and you know it unconditionally. So I was thinking love, especially unconditionally, is less something that you do, and more this thing that happens to you. Unconditional love happens to you. To the giver and recipient. Something happens to both. It changes you. It changes everything about you.

So could God's unconditional love happen to me? Has it already? I think it has. Sometimes I feel it happening to me. But I think there is more I need to do on my part. I think I need to know that humans don't love well. And I can't demand that they do something that they aren't good at. And I need to remind myself that we don't love perfectly, unconditionally. We are who we are.

Unconditionally is a rare breed. I think I should stop expecting it and just let it happen to me. Take whatever act of love I get as a gift and nothing else or more. A gift. And I should know God always loves infinitely and unconditionally and maybe if I focus on letting that love happen to me I won't need love from anyone else, especially a human. Maybe I won't need anything at all. I will be loved, be His Beloved. And nothing else of the jumbles in this blog will even matter. Maybe once I know I am loved, maybe then and only then can I learn to love, to give gifts of love here and there at first, and then through a lifetime's learning, unconditional will happen to me and happen to a few others. We can hope. We can pray. God willing love will happen to us.