Say My Name

Lord, what did You say when You spoke me into existence?

God, what do You call me?

What name do You have for me?

What's in a name?

What's in my name, the name You gave me?

My parents of my flesh named my flesh, what did the Father of my soul name my soul?

Do You call out to me?

Do You have more than one name for me Lord, as we do for You?

I know these You have for me: child, sheep, bride, daughter, beloved, student, servant, friend.

But is there another?

Are there more?

Is there a name like Zoe that You have for me?

Father, what do You call me when You call out my soul?

What is my eternal name?

Tell me my name, Father.

Say my name, speak it into forever, and speak it loudly enough for me to hear, to know, to be able to specifically thank You for.

Oh God, say my name...again and again.

Worth Repeating

In another blog, the Greek one, I mentioned the end of Time and what is going to happen. I think it is worth repeating in it's own blog because Revelations makes so much more sense to me now.

Two veils will be lifted in the end of earth.
First there will be the time in this world where we are absolutely living in a world without God. Satan will be in complete control. Then the second veil will be lifted and we will see the world without the Devil; it will be in complete control of God again and for forever.

Windshields

In Through Painted Deserts by my beloved Don Miller he starts a paragraph saying "Light reflects in sharp points off windshields in motion." I spent hours tearing this sentence apart, looking up every single word and wondering what the hidden message was in this sentence. I just knew there was one. I felt it. I was captivated by this sentence...And there is one. God revealed it to me sure enough, like He does if we pay attention and keep at it. And though I labored over this, I will give it to you for nothing more than the cost of you reading this quickly, because I love you, and this is what I do.

Light is a metaphor.
We are the windshields.
Another word for reflect can be rebuke.
Sharp, we need an abrupt or extreme change from the way we are living.
His Light shines into windshields who are still.

That is called Revelation. Hope you had a head in hands moment. I have had many with it.

Composure: It's Ok Eve

Occasionally I get frustrated with Eve and just wish we all lived in Paradise. But you have to understand some things about Eve and Adam's situation. One example is Devil's Confusion.

Confuse: to disturb the composure of

Composure: cool-headed resistance to disturbance; the ability to calmly do the right thing in a social situation

It's ok Eve. Besides Donald Miller proposes a question: Did they know there was such thing as a lie? If you grow up with only God, or are new to the world, an infant technically, such as Eve, would you know what a lie or a liar are? Probably not. Kids are pretty gullible. And pretty innocent.

You were new to the world Eve and the Devil confused you, just like he continues to do to the rest of us, to this entire world. We live in a world of confusion. At least we know it won't last.

Besides God gives us a remedy. He always gives us a remedy.

Composure also means calm. So if the Devil disturbs our calm, how to we get it back?

"Be still and know that I am God." -Psalm 46:10

Still- motionless, silent
Calm- to reduce fear or anxiety

If you know who God is, you know He is bigger than Satan beyond our wildest dreams. And if you get lost in who God is for a while, truly focus on Him and only Him, and are motionless and feel Him in the breeze on your face and can finally hear Him in the silence, you will begin to feel more calm, feel less tempting pressure, and practice this concept on a regular basis you will forget the temptation, guaranteed. It will be challenging. You will still mess up. But maybe it would be less if we really knew how to do this.

Socical Health

Physical health + Social Health = Socical Health

I used to spend all my days connecting my physical health limitations and problems to why I am not normal socially, but I have strayed from connecting these for a while. I am going to revisit this idea (that all aspects of our personal health are connected and affect/effect the others).

And for those who would argue that I am normal socially, I am really not, because I am not normal physically. The circular reasoning should come around if you keep reading. Besides, the definition of disease is that it prevents normal functioning. It is. Look it up.

Quick review: Some of the aspects of our personal health:

• Physical
• Mental/Emotional
• Intellectual
• Social
• Spiritual
• Aesthetic

There are more, such as economic and sexual, but the bulleted ones are the ones I pay attention to. Guess what? They are all connected. I took a class on it. Called Personal Health. And if one is having a bad day, then chances are others will be having bad days too. If one is having a good day, chances are the others will have a good day too. This isn't an absolute, but it tends toward true more often then not.

Think about it, when you are depressed you are often physically not feeling good. When you are in the hospital physically not feeling good then family and friends come and visit you often suddenly feel better. The aspects of our personal health affect/effect each other. This can be good and it can be bad.

So lets say I feel like crap physically every day of my life, practically literally? How will this effect everything else? Well, that depends...Lets look at socially. Lets look at talking on the phone. Here are a combination of thoughts from my aunt and me about talking on the phone:

• I am a slow thinker, and a deep thinker. It takes me a while to trudge through all the thoughts. Talking on the phone tends to be a quicker thinking game, which I am not very good at. I spend all day lost in thought, and it may take me weeks to perfect one sentence as a writer. The thinking involved in conversation isn't something I do well. It really isn't. I process slowly and carefully, and thus don't really like something I am not that good at. It isn't my fault I think differently, is it?
• Thinking is exhausting, especially the quick thinking. Can't we just think silently and infrequently and slowly for a while? Be alone together, that kind of thing. I am tired. 32 flavors of tired. Formulating thoughts is exhausting and that is what I labor over all day as a reader and a writer. The brain is a muscle right... or something.
• What I want to say never comes out quickly, and if I force it quickly, it comes out wrong and then I have to explain what I was really trying to say. When I write quickly or am talking quickly the words that come out never sound right. They are close but not exactly what I was trying to say. And then, more thinking is involved when I try to correct what I just said. Exhausting.
• My skin hurts. My hair hurts. The glasses on my nose hurt. Being in one position for too long, more than five minutes, hurts. My body cramps up, tightens up, and aches. I hold the phone, cell phone, with my pointer finger kinda holding the weight of the phone, and I don't realize it hurts when I am holding it, until half an hour later when we hang up, and then I have to splint my finger because it is killing me. My hand hurts too. My wrist. My arm. Holding the phone is so hard for me to do. 32 flavors of pain.
• So then to have to put a limit on how long we can talk, for like only five minutes or so, is rude and I just don't sound friendly if I do that. Or in the middle of them pouring their heart out to me or telling me a story I am like, "I'm sorry my finger is broken, I have to go. Call in a couple weeks when I have recuperated." I am not sure how nice that really is, or if I will still have friends.

These are just a few thoughts. And the talking on the phone thing can easily with your brains be imagined with similar communicating situations, like typing on the computer or writing a letter--oh my, writing a letter....my hands can't open a bottle of water, and you want me to write a letter...I'm sorry, but try again.

So yeah, there are realistically aspects of communicating and being social that I can control, but if you take a good look at how I feel physically, I think a lot of it isn't in my control. Imagine having the flu. You are sucked of life, of energy. You are achy all over. You have a bit of a sore throat. You haven't eaten much or drank much. You haven't showered in days. You haven't slept because of all of this. Feel icky yet? Good. Because now you know how I feel almost every day.

When you have the flu do you want to pick up the phone and call all your friends? No you don't. You want to lounge around, mainly because that is all you can do. Do you want to go out to dinner? No you physically can't. Do you want to sit at your computer and check all your emails? No you don't. That is my life. I have a disease. This disease prevents me from functioning normally. My physical health situation affects/effects my social health situation. End of lesson.

Hide And...

I have one question for you:

What do you seek?

But don't give me the answer. Answer yourself honestly so that you know what your answer to God is. I would bet that the answer will scare you. My answer usually scares me. Remember, our answer can determine our forever.

Are You Sure?

Tozer, still in Keys To The Deeper Life, page 52 asks us if we are sure we want to experience being filled with the Spirit of God. Here is what he tells us will happen, in summated bullet points, if we do:

Are You Sure?

• Are you sure you want to be possessed by a Spirit who will insist upon being Lord of your life?
• Are you sure you want your personality to be take over by One who will require obedience to the written Word?
• Are you sure you are ready to be filled with Someone who won't tolerate any of the self-sins in your life?
• Are you sure you are ready to stop strutting your stuff or boasting, showing off to this world, to friends, to family?
• Are you ready to give the direction of your life completely over to Him?
• Are you ready to be tested and disciplined?
• Are you ready to have many loved objects (that secretly harm your soul) stripped away from you?

Well, are you? Are you ready? Sounds like a lot to me. Sounds like being Christian costs something. Sounds like a complete band and choir are involved. Sounds big and loud...

Sounds familiar to my ears...but never familiar enough.

If Only We Knew And Cared (What God Was Thinking)

From Webster.com

Confuse:

1. To destroy the self-possession or self-confidence of: abash
2. To bring to ruin
3. To make indistinct: blur
4. To mix indiscriminately: jumble
5. To fail to differentiate from an often similar or related other (confuse money with comfort)

From Beloved by Toni Morrison (page 7)

"You looking good."

"Devil's confusion. He lets me look good as long as I feel bad." He looked at her and the word "bad" took on another meaning.

From Hamlet (Act 3, Scene 1 lines 45-50)

"Read on this book (of prayers) that show of an exercise may color your loneliness. --We are oft to blame in this, 'tis too much proved, that with devotion's visage and pious action we do sugar o'er the devil himself."

From Keys To The Deeper Life by A.W. Tozer (page 50)

"A world of confusion has surrounded this truth...like a mist [that] lies upon a mountain in stormy weather...This confusion has not come by accident. An enemy has done this. Satan knows that Spiritless evangelicalism (or faith) is as deadly as Modernism or heresy, and he has done everything in his power to prevent us from enjoying our true Christian heritage."

What else do we confuse? I think we confuse looking Christian from being Christian. Tozer says something like we confuse theology with an actual relationship with God, the Person (page 31, Keys...). Knowing about God and knowing God are two different things. We confuse looking good with being good. We sugar over evil with appearances. Christian looking people and Christian people are confused all the time. Jesus would call us white-washed tombs. Clean on the outside, dirty on the inside. Like cleaning the outside of the cup before we clean the inside. I want to clean the inside. I am now, I guess. Well, trying anyways. It's quite dirty in here to tell you the truth. Years of muck stuck to the underneath of my skin.

I was confused to tell you the truth. I thought I was Christian because I called myself Christian. Because I was raised in a Christian home. Because I had a bunch of stuff memorized about God, because I ownded a Bible, had a fish sticker thing on my car, whatever...but I didn't know God personally. I am not sure I really do now actually. I try, which is different from the old me. But I am really not quite sure I know Him all that well personally, from experience with Him every day.

I still am confused I guess. And I am not sure I am confused because I am not who God wants me to be, because I am not experiencing a relationship with Him (you know, like every other relationship, like with my parents, is that the kind of relationship I have with Him), or if the Devil is successful here, or a little of both. Am I cleaning myself out, at all? If so, it is taking a really long time. I don't think I will ever feel clean on the inside, not while living on earth, in Satan's world. And then I wonder, am I clean, it is just the Devil who won't let me feel this way. Is trying to confuse how I feel about my relationship with God, with Christ? Am I dirty, or is he just making me feel that way? I am cleaner, I really am, but will he ever let me feel clean. If not, that may not be bad, persay, but I do feel like it limits how I approach God...somehow. It changes our relationship, somehow, the confusion. And that is horrible.

At least I know I wasn't necessarily Christian before. At least I know that and am trying to do something about it. At least I know that I didn't know Him and I want to spend all my days knowing Him. Seeking Him. Being who He wants me to be. Being Christian instead of it just looking like I am. Cleaning out the muck under my skin and not giving a crap, or trying to, about the outside. All that matters is the inside that God can see.

Shakespeare says we are to blame though, for getting lost in and following the confusion. Where we care what the world thinks more than we care what God thinks. And we do; you have to admit it. You have to admit you care what the world thinks more than you care what God thinks. If you didn't you wouldn't be wearing certain clothes, or look in a mirror, or brush or style your hair, or wear makeup or perfume or buy certain brands, or any of it. If we really cared what God thinks more than the world, we would not be who we are, we would be Godly. We would be monks or nuns or something. We would have so many Mother Theresa's we wouldn't know all of their names. We totally care more about what the world thinks about us; looking at my actions I know I do. And that is scary. Deadly scary. Terrifying. And it has infinite consequences.

This really is the prince of darkness's world. It really is. He does well to confuse us. We would do well to be still, quiet, away from people, this world, away from mirrors of any kind, away from tv and magazines, away from the media; we would do well to be with God; we would do well to experience Him and not just know about Him; we would do well to hang out with Him, to seek Him; we would do well to remember who is God. We would do well to know and care what God was thinking more than anything else.

What's The Song?

Someone came up to me, asked me how I was. I looked into them and was silent. They looked into me. I clicked on a song to play it. Closed my eyes, held my heart, and said, "Snowflakes."

Music is how I am. Just depends on the song.

Morality and Love

Mark 14:21, 24 is where most clearly morality is taken out of the normal do's and don'ts and is made personal, connected to a relationship, where morality is connected to Christ and God. And this is precisely what morality should be, a way of showing God you love Him, showing Christ you love Him.

"Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me...He who does not love me will not obey my teaching."

I am not sure about you, but I am not even sure I know all of His commands, all of His teachings. Scratch that. I know I don't. So if I don't even know all of them, how can I obey all of them? Even if I did know all of them, I know I wouldn't obey all of them. No wonder He asks me 70 times a day if I love Him. I am not showing Him!

How Greek Could Save Your Life

There are two words I fully know and remember in greek. The first is apokalypsis.

I learned about that in Intro to Bible with Doctor Karen Heller. If you ever get a chance to meet her or take a class with her, do it. It should be on your "To Do" list for sure. Love her!

Apo I believe I remember correctly is veil. Kalypsis is to take away. Thus to take away the veil. The word may sound familiar, is sounds like apocalypse. Good job. It is really the word for Revelation though. So when thinking of Revelation, the book, the times, think less like connotations associated with the end of the world, and think more like the veil will be lifted and we will see life as it really is without God's help, and then another veil will be lifted when Christ arrives we will see life as it was supposed to be, in heaven with only God, with no more evil...finally and thankfully. But how do we for sure know that second veil will be lifted? If we know Him and love Him right?

I did a Beth Moore Bible Study and remember one word in Greek from it: agape. I used to think it was simply love, if love is simple? I guess I am saying that in my mind I didn't think deeply about it until tonight. Example: ask yourself, what is love? How do I know if I love someone? How do I know if someone loves me? And the toughest questions of all: does God think I love Him? And do I love Christ? I mean, do I, do I really? If I don't know what love is, if I can't define it, how do I know if I love Him the way He wants me to love Him?

At the end of John he writes a painful story about Peter being asked THREE TIMES IN ONE CONVERSATION IF PETER LOVES JESUS, and he was asked this question by Christ Himself! I mean, can you imagine Christ coming up to you and asking you face to face, "Do you love me?"

Peter was offended of course, saying, "Lord of course I love you." I would be offended of course, saying, "Yes, Lord, I do. You know I do." But if He already knows, then why would He ask?

And if Peter, who was there, hanging out with Christ, witnessing all of the miracles and getting to be with Him, getting to be with the proof that we don't have, and he was still asked this painful question, I for sure have to have Christ asking me this at the very least 70 times a day. I have to.

Donald Miller says perhaps "...the sum of our faith is a kind of constant dialogue with Jesus about whether or not we love Him" in Searching For God Knows What, page 52. And I read a quick little interview and article with the duo Shane and Shane and one of them said their new album had to do with him "being confronted with the Lord asking me if I love Him."

And all this, all this makes me tremble a bit inside. My heart is vibrating in fear. Here are some of the most obviously Christian men one could meet and they feel confronted by the Lord asking them if they love Him. What does this mean for me? Seriously, the answer, my truthful answer could be infinitely fatal. So what am I going to do about it? Do I love Him? Do I even know what love is? Can I love Him if I don't even think I could define love?

So I looked up love from Wikipedia. That was one of the most important things I could have done today--no it was the most important thing I did today--no one of the most important decisions of my life, including my eternal life. You need to Google love, go to Wikipedia and spend the rest of your days learning what love is to make sure you know what your answer to Christ is. Be 100% certain.

If you know what love is, you can know if you really love Him, right?. Makes some sort of sense. Because He is asking us this question at least 70 times a day. I don't know where the number 70 came from, but it sounds reasonable, doesn't it? Biblical almost. But feel free to use whatever number will scare some action into you.

Anyways, agape:
Agape (ἀγάπη agápē) means love in modern day Greek. The term s'agapo means I love you in Greek. The word agapo is the verb I love. It generally refers to a "pure", ideal type of love rather than the physical attraction suggested by eros. However, there are some examples of agape used to mean the same as eros. It has also been translated as "love of the soul".
Eros (ἔρως érōs) is passionate love...
Agape - In the New Testament, agapē is charitable, selfless, altruistic, and unconditional. It is parental love seen as creating goodness in the world, it is the way God is seen to love humanity, and it is seen as the kind of love that Christians aspire to have for one another.

More reading and answers and definitions:

• Mark 12:28-34
• 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
• 1 John 4:7-8
• John 14:21, 24

Anne Lamotte says the two most important prayers she knows are: "Help me, help me, help me" and "Thank you, thank you, thank you." One of the most important prayers I now know, to add to these is:

Lord,

S'agapo. S'agapo. S'agapo.

Searching?

If you truly knew and felt what it meant to be loved by God would you go searching for love from anywhere or anyone else?

I bet not.

Yet we do, go searching elsewhere that is. I do. What does that mean?

Who Needs Defense Anyway?

I don't know if you realize it, but we are constantly defending ourselves to others. It isn't a conscious decision anymore, it is instinctive, habitual. It is what we do, and I feel and actually notice myself doing it endlessly.

I defend my disease. I defend my life. I defend myself. I defend my clothes, my car, the fact that I live at home, why I don't go to school, why I don't have a job. I defend everything to everyone. And as I realize I do this I realize I feel completely misunderstood. I feel like no one knows the real me or "gets" the real me. They know who they think I am, or rather who I used to be, but I am not her anymore. They don't know me. They don't understand why I am different. They don't understand how I could be different. They don't understand why I do what I do or don't do what everyone else does. Actually no one knows what I do anymore. They have no idea.

I feel I am personally unable to completely relate to anyone else. I feel I spiritually am unable to relate to anyone else. I don't know anyone, I literally can't think of anyone, besides a few Christian authors, who think like me. I don't know anyone personally, directly, a family member or a friend, who lives and thinks like me, and thus I defend my actions and who I am because I feel attacked by those of a different mind or lifestyle than me. Don't you feel that? Don't you feel attacked?

You too, you do defend yourself too; I am just not sure you realize it yet. Since I am fully, painfully, terribly aware of it however, I have been laboring my thoughts over whether or not defending my Christian life is necessary, or wondering what does this mean. There are just two quotes playing past the eyes of my mind and heart:

"They steadfastly believe that they will share His triumph, and for this reason they are perfectly willing to share His rejection by a society that does not understand them." -Keys To The Deeper Life, A.W. Tozer page 43

"You have already put in your time in that God-ignorant way of life...Now it's time to be done with it for good. Of course, your old friends don't understand why you don't join in with the old gang anymore. But you don't have to give an account to them." -1 Peter 4:3-5, The Message

We defend ourselves like we are playing a game, like we truly do live the Lifeboat Theory that Donald Miller talks about, like we are trying to win. But there is nothing to win. There really isn't. If there is, please tell me what it is, I would love to know. Seriously, what are you trying to win? Love, friends, happiness, money, security, fame, success? What do you want to win? Are those things you need, need from this world? Is that where they come from? Do you think you will ever win them...and hold on to them, keep them? Or can you lose them again?

I don't have to win you over. Over to my side or whatever. There is no logic behind defending myself and my way of living. There is just living. Life is just this, living. Nothing more. We aren't arguing. You are not attacking me. You are not on the offensive, are you? I mean if there is no offense, if life isn't a game, who needs defense anyway? Devil's Confusion. Man he's good. We are so busy defending ourselves we forget to just live life, game free, winning free, offense free, defense free. Life is just life. Life is just living. Are you living, or are you playing a game? Which do you think life really is or is supposed to be? Have you even asked yourself these questions and labored over a truthful answer?

I have. And I honestly believe life isn't a game. There is nothing to win. Among people there are not teams, no one is or should be on the offensive or on the defensive. If you are going to look at someone or something on the offensive fighting against you, it isn't your fellow man, it is the devil. And maybe if for five seconds we stopped gaming with each other, waring with each other, with other flesh and bone, and started fighting the devil, this world would feel less like a game, and more like life, the gift of life, like living.

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." -Ephesians 6:12

Devil's Confusion

Confusion

1. a state of mental uncertainty
2. distraction
3. a state in which everything is out of order
4. the emotional state of being made self-conscioulsy uncomfortable

Confuse

1. to throw into a state of mental uncertainty
2. disorient
3. muddy
4. deceive
5. misguide
6. mislead
7. to make something unclear to the understanding
8. to throw into a state of self-conscious distress
9. to undo the proper order of arrangement of

Confused

1. lacking in order, neatness, and often cleanliness

Self-Conscious

1. From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
   
   Self-consciousness is an acute sense of self-awareness. It is a preoccupation with oneself, rather than the philosophical state of self-awareness, which is the awareness that one exists as an individual being.

We are intensely aware of ourselves aren't we? Too aware most of the time if you ask me. We can't go five seconds without thinking of ourselves and our well-being before others'. Well, I can't. Me, me, me. The sound of myself is defening. I can't hear anyone else. The Devil does well to distract us from God. We would do well to be less self-conscious and more God-conscious, people-conscious.

Ever wonder why we wonder and worry about what people think of us? How we are constantly trying to fit in and defend ourselves to this world, be redeemed by this world. It is because we care how the world sees us because we see ourselves through the world's eyes. Devil's confusion. Imagine if we only saw ourselves through God's eyes. If we did we wouldn't care if we had a nice house, a cool car, fashionable clothes, the latest ipod. All we would care about was having God.

I hate being so self aware. It is distressing, distracting, misleading, deceiving, disorienting, confusing. In this state there is no composure to do the right thing, to make the right decisions with or for my life, or the lives of others, or for God. I am lost. I feel lonely. I feel like I don't fit in. And I feel like if I don't fit in--it feels like I can't breathe. There is no calm. There is no still. There feels like no God.

Trying to fit in is an endless battle you will never win. It is an infinitely fatal game to play. We would do well to stop playing. We would do well to be still and know that He is God, and we need nothing else. We need to be aware and conscious of nothing else. That is the only prescription for the Devil's confusion. The only way for peace and order. God is the only solution. Have Him and all is calm. Know Him and all is good. All makes sense again, and sense has a more pleasing harmony.

Feelings

I feel angry, frustrated, emotional. I feel like I shouldn't get the short end of the stick. I feel like I should get more than 14 blocks. I feel like no one else feels the weight of Death sitting on my chest. I feel like no one really understands anything about my life or my disease. I feel!

I feel like I am supposed to be upset at all of this, but I wonder, am I really upset, or do I just feel upset? Logic and emotions are bleeding together, hidden under various degrees of darkness. Were I to shine God's Light on this, would I still be mad? I don't think so. I think I feel mad simply because I am supposed to. But I can't actually be mad, can I?

What will I miss, painfully miss about life? I will miss going for drives, and sunrises and sunsets, and the moon and stars, and music, and snuggling and hugging and holding hands with someone you love, and stretching out in bed as I get a feel for clean sheets, and that after shower clean feel, and puppies and being alone with people, really feeling loved by people. I will miss food and snow cones and chocolate, and the smell of good food, home cooked food. I will miss laughing with friends and family, laughing about inside jokes or happy memories. I will miss playing games and watching rain or snow. I will miss clouds lighting up. I will miss the living blue coolness of the earth the 45 minutes before sunrise (I think that is my favorite time of day). But then I think about heaven...

I mean seriously think about heaven and how I know for fact that it is better than all of that. That I will be there and not want a thing. That heaven is a forever suspension of the living blue time of day and that is the best forever I can think of. I know I will be in God's presence and never want or long to be loved ever again. I will never be hungry, or thirsty. I will never be lonely. The angels' music is better than any other music. I will be sitting above the stars and clouds or dancing around them or something. I will see where rain and snow are made and live and dwell and are created or fashioned. God and I will play Apples to Apples, and He will let me win. The scene below us will be like this infinite puzzle we are putting together. Jesus and I will sit by a campfire being alone together, roasting marshmallows and drawing in the dirt with our fingers. They will never again ask me if I love them. They will know that it is true, because it will be.

I think of this and I am not angry anymore. I am excited. In a strange way, I am excited to die. I am glad I probably won't have to wait a lifetime to experience all of this. So what is this anger and frustration? What is this irritability? Where does it come from?

Devil's Confusion.

I feel angry. But logic tells me I am not really angry. I just feel angry because the world tells me I am supposed to feel angry. But I know that God just wants me to be with Him a little sooner than normal...

I know that God wants me. And that makes me happy....

He wants me. He really wants me.

Donald Miller in Searching For God Knows What talks about John and his book, his gospel, about how at the end of it John tells everyone he is going to die, unlike the popular belief at the time that he wasn't.

"And it makes you wonder if John sat and wrote that he was going to die knowing within a few days, a few weeks, a month (or 14 blocks) of gentle good-byes, he was going to go home and leave all of his friends, and he didn't want any of them to be surprised or scared" (page 52).

Two Words

Experience Truth

just some words of wisdom

Bionic Wisdom

Devil's Confusion is from Beloved by Toni Morrison. Two words that explain why the world is the way that it is, but that I am still working on being able to explain with words. In its context in the book however it goes something like this:

"You looking good," Sethe tells Paul D.
"Devil's confusion. He lets me look good as long as I feel bad."

Being and feeling sick all the time is one thing; the other thing is that apparently I don't look it. Apparently I always look good. And this can't help but make me wonder if you know anything about how I actually feel. I actually get quite frustrated when someone tells me I look good. Because it is no reflection of how I feel. Do you know how I feel? Do you? I would bet money, that I don't have, but I digress, that you don't. You really don't. Stupid Devil's Confusion.

"Looking one way and being another is something that I happen to know a lot about." - Jaime Summers, Bionic Woman

Seeking Still

One should never grow tired of seeking God because there is always more to seek. There is always more of Him to know. This is the only good kind of thirst.

14 Blocks

The Devil's confusion is at work in my life. I feel tension and stress. I need to find the calm and find the truth. I need to pour out some shardy glassy structures, and will thus be tapping out emotions onto the screen in this blog. Painful, truthful emotions (partially logic free, partially not) that I often never talk about, that most never talk about, will be shared. And as they cut down my face may only snowflakes be left inside.

Most cast out visions of their lives into their eighties, I assume. I used to. Whether you realize it or not, you feel and live like you have plenty of time, and because of that I cannot relate to you. I feel separated from you.

I am running, sometimes walking, away from Death's hovering chasing shadow. I am trying to run towards the light. Run to Light and to nothing and no one else. There isn't enough time for distractions. There is only this one goal. And it requires everything of me. Everything I have in me and more.

October 2004 changed how far I could cast my life line. In 2004 I thought I had weeks or days left to live. Then with a diagnosis that I knew nothing about I thought maybe a few years. Now, well, I used to cast my life into my forties; I thought fifty was pushing it. But today, when I met with a new doctor, and he "kindly" reminded me how dangerous and toxic Prednisone really is, he...he only cast my lifeline to maybe 35. He talked of a scenario involving a possible heart attack by 35...

I am 21. 35 is around the corner, 14 blocks down the street.

People wonder why I pull away. I don't have a one sentence answer, but I am pretty sure the possibility of only having 14 years left to live may have something to do with it.

What would you do with your life if it was proposed you had 14 years left? How would you live? I know most would surround themselves with family and friends, right? So why don't I do that? Huh...how blind you all really are... Maybe it is because my family and friends are God and Christ. Has anyone ever thought about that? Has anyone ever thought I am surrounded by all that I need and more. I am content. I am with my Family and my Friends, and my Bridegroom and Shepherd, my Teacher, my Master, my Father every single second of the day. Or, or has anyone thought that I am so tired running from Death and the Devil every day, running to Family and Friends, that I have nothing left in me to run to you? Has anyone thought of that? Has anyone thought to step it up more and run to me more? Doesn't always feel like it.

I honestly believe that my relationship with God today will be the relationship I have with Him forever, were I to die right now. With Him. That is the relationship I try to pay attention to every day. And I could spend all day every day with Him, and not quite know Him enough, and that scares me. What does Christ tell those in parables when they die and He doesn't open the door for them into heaven: "I tell you the truth, I don't know you." I want to know Him now so that I will know Him forever, ya know?

Tozer says Paul was a seeker, a finder, and a seeker still. Or something like that. He also talked about people who seek, find, and seek no more. I used to be the latter. I am now the former. From what I can see, you are the latter, but what do I know?

All I want to do every single day of my life is seek God, find Him, and seek Him still. Anything that has nothing to do with knowing Christ I consider a loss. Anything that involves seeking Him I consider a gain. Seek, seek, and seek some more still. That is what I want to do with my fourteen years. Seek. Him.

So I am sorry that I don't seek you more. If there was more time and if I had more energy--It doesn't, repeat does not, mean that I don't love you. But it does mean that I love Him. And it does mean that I am aware that the end is near and I am aware of how important it is to spend these last days right. You all would do well to follow Paul with me. You all would do well to seek Him and nothing else.

Tozer also talks about how the Christian life doesn't cost us anything anymore. He's right for the most part. I mean, the way we live as "Christians" or "Paulines" it doesn't cost a thing. But to be a man or woman after Paul's own heart, after his way of living out faith--perhaps having no one understand why you live you life the way you do, and perhaps always feeling like you have to defend who you are, perhaps not fitting into this world and the way it lives...perhaps that is the cost. Perhaps feeling like the only seeker still and feeling so alone in this way of living is the cost, well, part of it anyway. Perhaps you know you are Christian if there is a cost...I wonder...I wonder perhaps...

A seeker still. Sounds nice. Sounds calm. Sounds focused... on the goal. Sounds free of the Devil's confusion. Sounds like dancing in raining, floating, swirling snowflakes. And if I am the only one, then at least there's one. But perhaps you would do well to live you Christian life as if you only have 14 blocks of sand to get your footprints in line with His...14 blocks to know Him.

I can see the snowflakes falling and feel their cold structures slide down my face. I can feel Christ in the snowflakes.

Christ,
May I not need all 14 blocks to get to know You, but may I have the gift of knowing You for 14 blocks. And may You know me when I knock on Heaven's door. Amen.

Tears

I wonder then, when pondering deeply the blog below, when I cry what does the chemical structure of my tears look like? Are sad, painful tears shardy orange-yellow-bloody-red and are happy tears bluey snowflakes? I bet they are. And I bet we do well to bleed out the painful chemical structures. And we do well to acknowledge with a smile the snowflakes as they float down our faces.

snowflakes

Thoughts...Let's say you were to put a glass a water next to speakers and play a song really loud, wouldn't the water move, vibrate or something? Does the ripple from the middle out look cool?

And there was that study by that one guy with the words and bottles of water. He looked at the chemical structure or something before he wrote words on the bottles of water. It was a blueish clearish whiteish snowflake looking thing. A bunch of different snowflakes layered overtop oneanother.He wrote something like "I hate you!" on one and something like "Love" on another. The one that said "I hate you!"'s chemical structure turned to yellowy, orangeish red shards of glass looking. The one that said "Love" looked like bigger bluer snowflakes.

What does this mean for us, being made of over 50% water, when we listen to music with lyrics? No wonder music can be healing. But does that mean what we listen to can also have a negative effect on us? I don't know about you, but I want to be a snowflake.

Discovering Truth

There are more words surrounding me than there are stars in the sky or drops of water in the ocean. This feeling is exciting at first for someone who has called herself an aspiring writer because writers read. Writers read a lot. Writers read all the time. Everywhere there are words and we love to get lost in them.

It is just that I do feel lost lately, and not the good kind. I can pick up ten books in one night and connect thoughts and ideas and quotes from all of them into one subject. It is magical and yet…scary and overwhelming. All these words composed into beautiful pieces of music that vibrate through the soul, and all of them not mine. And I wonder, is there anything new I can say, about anything?

I think I have an original thought and I find it somewhere else a week later written in a different way. Billions of people thinking thoughts every day for the last how many years; is there anything I can say someone hasn’t thought of before? It doesn’t feel like it.

Poe tells us—in a simply seeming way (uh-huh Poe)—the possibilities for the imagination are endless because the imagination is a combination of things in the universe and the universe is endless. But is it? Is it really? What is there, out in this world, what combination can I possible come up with, orchestrate into something moving and flowing for people to swim in, what can I think that is actually mine? It feels like nothing. Like all possible combinations have been imagined and there is no need for me to write anything.

I write for me mainly I guess. If I want to be honest with myself about it, honest about how self absorbed I am, yet pretend not to be.

Writing and reading help me make sense of the mess of thoughts knotted in my squiggly stringy mess of a brain. It’s much like unraveling Christmas lights, and once they are all finally all unknotted and in a line strewn out in the living room near the tree I can plug them in, light them up, figuring out which ones have broken bulbs, and then I can string them around the Christmas tree.

Unraveling lights gives me strength and sanity and helps me see life as it is, not just how it feels it is. I write for me. But I guess I also figure that if what I write can help me, then maybe I can help someone else by lighting up their living room too, the living room of their hearts I guess. Plus I have experienced all kinds of experiences that are of the growing up and learning how to live kind. Experiences that force wisdom into you. And isn’t a part of life about growing older and wiser and then sharing that with those younger and …well, dumber isn’t right, but it goes with the parallel structure. I want to share wisdom with people. And the wisdom and honesty about my experiences and thoughts can hopefully light up some living rooms. Well, I hope they do anyways, and I can hope. I do hope.

I recently discovered Eugene Peterson’s The Message. I know it has been around a while, but I tend to tread carefully around words, especially the Words of the Lord. I also believe I read what I am supposed to when I am supposed to, and I guess God figured it was time for the what in this moment called when, because there was one day I just knew I had to go buy it and start reading it. And I can tell you I am reading the what exactly when I am supposed to, because I feel like I am falling in love with the Bible for what feels like the first time.

I grew up reading the Bible and going to small private Christian schools where reading the Bible was homework. Words of advice: never get into the awful habit of associating the Bible with the same feelings you associate with homework. Be very careful with Bible studies and classes. The second reading God’s word feels like work, re-evaluate everything, stake a step back, and step back towards God with a different attitude.

I am still trying to pick up the Bible because I want to and not feel like I have to. It is slippery ground, and I guarantee God has a safer path with better traction. The Message feels like better traction.

There are ways to approach His word and ways you probably shouldn’t approach His word. And being excited about reading the Bible, it feeling like I am reading it for the first time, those are the feelings we are supposed to have.

1 Peter helped me through some tough times physically. Taking on the attitude of Christ when it comes to suffering in the body was something I had to let sink into my being so I could handle a rare disease that leaves me in pain constantly. Consequentially I have read 1 Peter many times, but only looking for one thing to get out of it, help with pain. But I accidently turned to 1 Peter in The Message one morning and thought, wow, why haven’t I read it in here yet…so I did.
I was out at one of my sunrise spots, the sun had just risen, was still rising, and I was reading 1 Peter, and new light fell on the chapter to reveal something to me to encourage me to keep writing even though I don’t feel like I have much to say really worth people’s time reading it when so much else amazing writing exists out there…this verse has encouraged me to keep putting the pen to paper, as a writing.com friend of mine has encouraged me:

“Be generous with the different things God gave you, passing them around so all get in on it: if words, let it be God’s words…” -1 Peter 4:7-11 (11 in NIV)

But then I got to thinking deeply about whether or not everything I have written, all my words, if they are God’s words. At first I was alarmed because I can tell you that they are not. Not everything I have to say is Truth, God’s Truth: something I believe He would say.
But then I thought of the book of Job. And how in Job not all of what Job says or what his friends say are not the words of God. I mean they are because they are in the Bible, but you have to look deeper inside the words to find the actual Truth.

Most of Job talking back and forth with his friends are words rooted in emotions, deeply rooted in emotions, and not in God’s Truth. They are just talking, with very aesthetic poetry, because that’s how Moses’ pen rolls on scrolls. (That was silly, but it made me giggle; hopefully you giggled too.) And their words on paper are full of what they are feeling, not with the Truth of the situation: why Job was being tested.

They had their opinions for sure why Job was being tested, but we discover through the beginning of the story when God is bragging about Job to the Devil that Job is a good man, and “there’s no one quite like him—honest and true to his word, totally devoted to God and hating evil” (1:8). So it wasn’t as Job’s friends thought, he wasn’t being tested because he was evil, sinful. They were not speaking truth. They kept attacking Job telling him what a sinner he was and that was why he was suffering. This just wasn’t the case.

So I got to thinking about why Moses would put all this dialogue in there. All this human thinking rooted in emotions. If this book is indeed the first book written according to Time’s line in the bible, and thus this kinda is God’s first message to humanity, why is it so important to keep all these emotions in the bible that just aren’t true? They aren’t God’s thoughts, they are man’s.

But I think this is God showing us how we are. The Truth isn’t something He would say so much, but rather He is truthfully showing us our humanity.

Smallville has Clark being told that his human learned emotions are his biggest weakness. Perhaps they are ours too. Perhaps talking when emotions are high needs a big “yikes!” sign from Wyle E. Coyote. But also, perhaps, God is showing us how we get sometimes. That He knows we get this way. That He knows we need to yell them out and let Him get rid of them. To spit out the ick and cleanse ourselves. And perhaps the Truth of God lies in us more being able to discover what isn’t true so we can better understand what is.

After 37 chapters of human thoughts rooted in emotions God finally has had enough. In Chapter 38 God finally confronts Job, and God came in a “violent storm.” God asks Job, “Why do you confuse the issue? Why do you talk without knowing what you are talking about?” Eugene titles the section, “Have You Gotten to the Bottom of Things?” Job was trying to figure things out, and then we discover that He can’t. Then He shuts up and listens to God. Then they talk. Then He is amazed and in love with God and feeling like everything is going to be ok.

Italo Calvino said that “writing always means hiding something in such a way that it then is discovered.” Perhaps Truth isn’t seen at first glance when reading the dialogue between these friends in Job, and perhaps the Truth won’t be seen when reading something I wrote, my thoughts rooted in emotions mainly, but perhaps in both, Truth can be discovered if you look a little deeper, past the surface level emotions and into either what God would or wouldn’t say to or about humanity.

Because I will write something, then God tends to confront me with different ideas about what I just wrote. My words are conversations with God. And hopefully I shut up long enough to listen to Him and discover what truth I can discover and then share it with all of you.

Most of what I write is based on what I feel, and I am assuming I am not alone in my feelings; I assume I am not the first to feel what I am feeling. There is not much I can experience that someone else hasn’t experienced and talked about already, but that won’t stop me from writing things out, from unraveling lights to light up living rooms of hearts. I feel words are something I can give and I truly hope both you and I can discover His Truth inside my words, inside my emotions, inside my heart’s pulse on the page, and because of that I plan for now for giving freely of hopefully His words. If Truth isn’t always directly written by me, which it won’t always be, then I hope at least some can discover truth in what I have written, discover what God would or would not say to us, humanity.

Breaths

My friend and I were talking about those moments that take your breath away. You know, those Godly glorious moments that are of a truly spectacular type of kind, rare, and perfect. And you are standing there holding your chest because seriously you just lost a breath or two.

And I got to thinking, where do those breaths go? Then there was a happy thought. This thought that what if those breaths floated up to the sky like a lost balloon, floated up into heaven. And all our breaths are at heaven's door waiting for us. Because when we get to heaven and see it for the first time it is going to be lung freezing. We are going to stop breathing...but wait, there are all those breaths that have been being stored up there, and all those breaths will be given back to us so we can breathe easy again and take in all that we need to take in when up in heaven.

So the next time you have some sort of breath-taking moment in you life, something magical and wonderful happening to you, that is a glimpse of heaven, and in exchange for that glimpse of heaven God took your breath so you can breathe easy when you get to His home for the first time. You can know there was an exchange that took place in that moment. You can know that God is thinking ahead. God is planning for the breath-taking moment of all breath-taking moments and He wants you to breath easy and enjoy His moments that He gives you. And the more God takes our breath away, the more glimpses of heaven we get and the more breaths are stored up for our coming home.

Love

I was thinking tonight that I feel obligated to love people unconditionally. And before I was able to think much farther I immediately got mad at all the people who don't love me unconditionally. I am mad at not being loved the way that I am supposed to be loved. Perfectly. Instead people disappoint me, fail me, forget about me, don't like me or want to be around the sick girl, she's no fun. They forget the most important day of my life, three years running now. They forget to come and meet me here. They forget about me. And that isn't unconditional love.

But I know I am supposed to be loved unconditionally. I feel it, somewhere inside, this emptiness I just know could be fixed with unconditional love. So why can't they love me unconditionally. I feel I am supposed to, but it is like they don't know they are supposed to.

Ok, I am not very good at it either. Ok, so I really stink at it. Am no good at it most of the time. I forget about people and am not there for them the way I am supposed to be, the way I want them to be there for me...

So what does that mean? What does that say about us as humans? I think we really don't know how to love. I think we don't know how to love well. I think we don't know how to love unconditionally. But then again, sometimes people do.

I think when a parent holds their baby in their arms for the first time they know love, and they know it unconditionally. When you see a puppy and find out he is going to be yours, you know love, and you know it unconditionally. So I was thinking love, especially unconditionally, is less something that you do, and more this thing that happens to you. Unconditional love happens to you. To the giver and recipient. Something happens to both. It changes you. It changes everything about you.

So could God's unconditional love happen to me? Has it already? I think it has. Sometimes I feel it happening to me. But I think there is more I need to do on my part. I think I need to know that humans don't love well. And I can't demand that they do something that they aren't good at. And I need to remind myself that we don't love perfectly, unconditionally. We are who we are.

Unconditionally is a rare breed. I think I should stop expecting it and just let it happen to me. Take whatever act of love I get as a gift and nothing else or more. A gift. And I should know God always loves infinitely and unconditionally and maybe if I focus on letting that love happen to me I won't need love from anyone else, especially a human. Maybe I won't need anything at all. I will be loved, be His Beloved. And nothing else of the jumbles in this blog will even matter. Maybe once I know I am loved, maybe then and only then can I learn to love, to give gifts of love here and there at first, and then through a lifetime's learning, unconditional will happen to me and happen to a few others. We can hope. We can pray. God willing love will happen to us.