14 Blocks

The Devil's confusion is at work in my life. I feel tension and stress. I need to find the calm and find the truth. I need to pour out some shardy glassy structures, and will thus be tapping out emotions onto the screen in this blog. Painful, truthful emotions (partially logic free, partially not) that I often never talk about, that most never talk about, will be shared. And as they cut down my face may only snowflakes be left inside.

Most cast out visions of their lives into their eighties, I assume. I used to. Whether you realize it or not, you feel and live like you have plenty of time, and because of that I cannot relate to you. I feel separated from you.

I am running, sometimes walking, away from Death's hovering chasing shadow. I am trying to run towards the light. Run to Light and to nothing and no one else. There isn't enough time for distractions. There is only this one goal. And it requires everything of me. Everything I have in me and more.

October 2004 changed how far I could cast my life line. In 2004 I thought I had weeks or days left to live. Then with a diagnosis that I knew nothing about I thought maybe a few years. Now, well, I used to cast my life into my forties; I thought fifty was pushing it. But today, when I met with a new doctor, and he "kindly" reminded me how dangerous and toxic Prednisone really is, he...he only cast my lifeline to maybe 35. He talked of a scenario involving a possible heart attack by 35...

I am 21. 35 is around the corner, 14 blocks down the street.

People wonder why I pull away. I don't have a one sentence answer, but I am pretty sure the possibility of only having 14 years left to live may have something to do with it.

What would you do with your life if it was proposed you had 14 years left? How would you live? I know most would surround themselves with family and friends, right? So why don't I do that? Huh...how blind you all really are... Maybe it is because my family and friends are God and Christ. Has anyone ever thought about that? Has anyone ever thought I am surrounded by all that I need and more. I am content. I am with my Family and my Friends, and my Bridegroom and Shepherd, my Teacher, my Master, my Father every single second of the day. Or, or has anyone thought that I am so tired running from Death and the Devil every day, running to Family and Friends, that I have nothing left in me to run to you? Has anyone thought of that? Has anyone thought to step it up more and run to me more? Doesn't always feel like it.

I honestly believe that my relationship with God today will be the relationship I have with Him forever, were I to die right now. With Him. That is the relationship I try to pay attention to every day. And I could spend all day every day with Him, and not quite know Him enough, and that scares me. What does Christ tell those in parables when they die and He doesn't open the door for them into heaven: "I tell you the truth, I don't know you." I want to know Him now so that I will know Him forever, ya know?

Tozer says Paul was a seeker, a finder, and a seeker still. Or something like that. He also talked about people who seek, find, and seek no more. I used to be the latter. I am now the former. From what I can see, you are the latter, but what do I know?

All I want to do every single day of my life is seek God, find Him, and seek Him still. Anything that has nothing to do with knowing Christ I consider a loss. Anything that involves seeking Him I consider a gain. Seek, seek, and seek some more still. That is what I want to do with my fourteen years. Seek. Him.

So I am sorry that I don't seek you more. If there was more time and if I had more energy--It doesn't, repeat does not, mean that I don't love you. But it does mean that I love Him. And it does mean that I am aware that the end is near and I am aware of how important it is to spend these last days right. You all would do well to follow Paul with me. You all would do well to seek Him and nothing else.

Tozer also talks about how the Christian life doesn't cost us anything anymore. He's right for the most part. I mean, the way we live as "Christians" or "Paulines" it doesn't cost a thing. But to be a man or woman after Paul's own heart, after his way of living out faith--perhaps having no one understand why you live you life the way you do, and perhaps always feeling like you have to defend who you are, perhaps not fitting into this world and the way it lives...perhaps that is the cost. Perhaps feeling like the only seeker still and feeling so alone in this way of living is the cost, well, part of it anyway. Perhaps you know you are Christian if there is a cost...I wonder...I wonder perhaps...

A seeker still. Sounds nice. Sounds calm. Sounds focused... on the goal. Sounds free of the Devil's confusion. Sounds like dancing in raining, floating, swirling snowflakes. And if I am the only one, then at least there's one. But perhaps you would do well to live you Christian life as if you only have 14 blocks of sand to get your footprints in line with His...14 blocks to know Him.

I can see the snowflakes falling and feel their cold structures slide down my face. I can feel Christ in the snowflakes.

Christ,
May I not need all 14 blocks to get to know You, but may I have the gift of knowing You for 14 blocks. And may You know me when I knock on Heaven's door. Amen.