Feelings

I feel angry, frustrated, emotional. I feel like I shouldn't get the short end of the stick. I feel like I should get more than 14 blocks. I feel like no one else feels the weight of Death sitting on my chest. I feel like no one really understands anything about my life or my disease. I feel!

I feel like I am supposed to be upset at all of this, but I wonder, am I really upset, or do I just feel upset? Logic and emotions are bleeding together, hidden under various degrees of darkness. Were I to shine God's Light on this, would I still be mad? I don't think so. I think I feel mad simply because I am supposed to. But I can't actually be mad, can I?

What will I miss, painfully miss about life? I will miss going for drives, and sunrises and sunsets, and the moon and stars, and music, and snuggling and hugging and holding hands with someone you love, and stretching out in bed as I get a feel for clean sheets, and that after shower clean feel, and puppies and being alone with people, really feeling loved by people. I will miss food and snow cones and chocolate, and the smell of good food, home cooked food. I will miss laughing with friends and family, laughing about inside jokes or happy memories. I will miss playing games and watching rain or snow. I will miss clouds lighting up. I will miss the living blue coolness of the earth the 45 minutes before sunrise (I think that is my favorite time of day). But then I think about heaven...

I mean seriously think about heaven and how I know for fact that it is better than all of that. That I will be there and not want a thing. That heaven is a forever suspension of the living blue time of day and that is the best forever I can think of. I know I will be in God's presence and never want or long to be loved ever again. I will never be hungry, or thirsty. I will never be lonely. The angels' music is better than any other music. I will be sitting above the stars and clouds or dancing around them or something. I will see where rain and snow are made and live and dwell and are created or fashioned. God and I will play Apples to Apples, and He will let me win. The scene below us will be like this infinite puzzle we are putting together. Jesus and I will sit by a campfire being alone together, roasting marshmallows and drawing in the dirt with our fingers. They will never again ask me if I love them. They will know that it is true, because it will be.

I think of this and I am not angry anymore. I am excited. In a strange way, I am excited to die. I am glad I probably won't have to wait a lifetime to experience all of this. So what is this anger and frustration? What is this irritability? Where does it come from?

Devil's Confusion.

I feel angry. But logic tells me I am not really angry. I just feel angry because the world tells me I am supposed to feel angry. But I know that God just wants me to be with Him a little sooner than normal...

I know that God wants me. And that makes me happy....

He wants me. He really wants me.

Donald Miller in Searching For God Knows What talks about John and his book, his gospel, about how at the end of it John tells everyone he is going to die, unlike the popular belief at the time that he wasn't.

"And it makes you wonder if John sat and wrote that he was going to die knowing within a few days, a few weeks, a month (or 14 blocks) of gentle good-byes, he was going to go home and leave all of his friends, and he didn't want any of them to be surprised or scared" (page 52).