Still Walking

I've dealt with my fair amount of depression. I've had dark winters that I thought I might never escape. I've dealt with inner turmoil that stuck to my soul like oil. I have been to therapy, taken anti-depressants--

"And in all the sorrows of our worldly lives through with Your mercy led us, we looked to see Your purposes for suffering and only saw darkness. We averted our eyes and groaned, 'How long shall these things be?' We often made such complaints and stuck with seeking the answers, since no certain responses had yet dawned on us. We looked for something that we forsaken souls might embrace" (The Confessions of St. Augustine, Friends)--

but that was then. This is now: three and a half years later. Three and a half years of walking toward God, toward Christ. Three and a half years of seeking wisdom that has eternal value, to paraphrase Augustine again.

That is why it pains me when so many think I am so depressed. How can I know the love of Christ, how can I trust God's will and purposes, how can I feel blessed to share in my Bridegroom's sufferings and still be as depressed as you think I am? How can I read the bible, read what Paul and Peter tell us, read what Moses tells us, realistically in Job, and complain, be depressed? You all are crazy....and I worry that YOU are the ones who don't know the love of Christ. How can you know the bible and believe that depression could last that long? Surely I know God's hands are molding me. Surely I know the life I led before fell to pieces because it was in my hands, and now my life is safely in His. His plan is putting mine to shame.

"Years ago He was a swinging speck in the distance; now He is close enough that I can hear His singing. Soon I will see the lines on His face" (Blue Like Jazz, Donald Miller, page 1).

Don't get me wrong, I still cry. Augustine made me cry tonight with the verse I quoted because I used to be like that so much, and now I am only like that a few times a year. But those few times, when I fall into fetal position it isn't so much depression, but finally realizing the yoke I made for myself is too heavy and it's time to hand some of the weight over to Christ, to give it to God to handle. After I am done balling for a minute or two I stand up refreshed, glad God has given me the ability to hand so much turmoil of human affairs over to Him.

I understand your initial concern, your emotionalism worrying about me, but if you logically think about my faith, know that one cannot know depression and Christ at the same time. Not really. Not for a long period of time. It is just impossible. His love is bigger than that, and I hope to God you understand that, for yourselves and for me.

"With the words 'That I may know Him' Paul answered the whining claims of the flesh and raced on toward perfection. All gain he counted loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus the Lord, and if to know Him better meant suffering or even death it was all one to Paul. To him conformity to Christ was cheap at any price" (Keys To The Deeper Life, Tozer, pages 29-30).

Keep walking.