You cannot know Christ and depression at the same time.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Piece of Truth
I'm gonna repeat a statement I made below and claim it to be truth until proven wrong:
Still Walking
I've dealt with my fair amount of depression. I've had dark winters that I thought I might never escape. I've dealt with inner turmoil that stuck to my soul like oil. I have been to therapy, taken anti-depressants--
"And in all the sorrows of our worldly lives through with Your mercy led us, we looked to see Your purposes for suffering and only saw darkness. We averted our eyes and groaned, 'How long shall these things be?' We often made such complaints and stuck with seeking the answers, since no certain responses had yet dawned on us. We looked for something that we forsaken souls might embrace" (The Confessions of St. Augustine, Friends)--
but that was then. This is now: three and a half years later. Three and a half years of walking toward God, toward Christ. Three and a half years of seeking wisdom that has eternal value, to paraphrase Augustine again.
That is why it pains me when so many think I am so depressed. How can I know the love of Christ, how can I trust God's will and purposes, how can I feel blessed to share in my Bridegroom's sufferings and still be as depressed as you think I am? How can I read the bible, read what Paul and Peter tell us, read what Moses tells us, realistically in Job, and complain, be depressed? You all are crazy....and I worry that YOU are the ones who don't know the love of Christ. How can you know the bible and believe that depression could last that long? Surely I know God's hands are molding me. Surely I know the life I led before fell to pieces because it was in my hands, and now my life is safely in His. His plan is putting mine to shame.
"Years ago He was a swinging speck in the distance; now He is close enough that I can hear His singing. Soon I will see the lines on His face" (Blue Like Jazz, Donald Miller, page 1).
Don't get me wrong, I still cry. Augustine made me cry tonight with the verse I quoted because I used to be like that so much, and now I am only like that a few times a year. But those few times, when I fall into fetal position it isn't so much depression, but finally realizing the yoke I made for myself is too heavy and it's time to hand some of the weight over to Christ, to give it to God to handle. After I am done balling for a minute or two I stand up refreshed, glad God has given me the ability to hand so much turmoil of human affairs over to Him.
I understand your initial concern, your emotionalism worrying about me, but if you logically think about my faith, know that one cannot know depression and Christ at the same time. Not really. Not for a long period of time. It is just impossible. His love is bigger than that, and I hope to God you understand that, for yourselves and for me.
"With the words 'That I may know Him' Paul answered the whining claims of the flesh and raced on toward perfection. All gain he counted loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus the Lord, and if to know Him better meant suffering or even death it was all one to Paul. To him conformity to Christ was cheap at any price" (Keys To The Deeper Life, Tozer, pages 29-30).
Keep walking.
"And in all the sorrows of our worldly lives through with Your mercy led us, we looked to see Your purposes for suffering and only saw darkness. We averted our eyes and groaned, 'How long shall these things be?' We often made such complaints and stuck with seeking the answers, since no certain responses had yet dawned on us. We looked for something that we forsaken souls might embrace" (The Confessions of St. Augustine, Friends)--
but that was then. This is now: three and a half years later. Three and a half years of walking toward God, toward Christ. Three and a half years of seeking wisdom that has eternal value, to paraphrase Augustine again.
That is why it pains me when so many think I am so depressed. How can I know the love of Christ, how can I trust God's will and purposes, how can I feel blessed to share in my Bridegroom's sufferings and still be as depressed as you think I am? How can I read the bible, read what Paul and Peter tell us, read what Moses tells us, realistically in Job, and complain, be depressed? You all are crazy....and I worry that YOU are the ones who don't know the love of Christ. How can you know the bible and believe that depression could last that long? Surely I know God's hands are molding me. Surely I know the life I led before fell to pieces because it was in my hands, and now my life is safely in His. His plan is putting mine to shame.
"Years ago He was a swinging speck in the distance; now He is close enough that I can hear His singing. Soon I will see the lines on His face" (Blue Like Jazz, Donald Miller, page 1).
Don't get me wrong, I still cry. Augustine made me cry tonight with the verse I quoted because I used to be like that so much, and now I am only like that a few times a year. But those few times, when I fall into fetal position it isn't so much depression, but finally realizing the yoke I made for myself is too heavy and it's time to hand some of the weight over to Christ, to give it to God to handle. After I am done balling for a minute or two I stand up refreshed, glad God has given me the ability to hand so much turmoil of human affairs over to Him.
I understand your initial concern, your emotionalism worrying about me, but if you logically think about my faith, know that one cannot know depression and Christ at the same time. Not really. Not for a long period of time. It is just impossible. His love is bigger than that, and I hope to God you understand that, for yourselves and for me.
"With the words 'That I may know Him' Paul answered the whining claims of the flesh and raced on toward perfection. All gain he counted loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus the Lord, and if to know Him better meant suffering or even death it was all one to Paul. To him conformity to Christ was cheap at any price" (Keys To The Deeper Life, Tozer, pages 29-30).
Keep walking.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Leaves of Summer
The leaf on the patio is propelled--
lifted by its partner,
the clear swirling, graceful breeze
into a dance--
a few short steps here
a few long steps there.
What lines they flutter!
I'm inside, looking out,
and though I hear silence with my ears,
my mind and eyes listen deeply through the panes of glass
to the fragile, seared rasping
of the dancing summer leaf.
lifted by its partner,
the clear swirling, graceful breeze
into a dance--
a few short steps here
a few long steps there.
What lines they flutter!
I'm inside, looking out,
and though I hear silence with my ears,
my mind and eyes listen deeply through the panes of glass
to the fragile, seared rasping
of the dancing summer leaf.
The End
It never used to hurt like this.
I never used to squint my eyes--
clenching them shut like this--
when I closed the cover of a book.
I just read the last poem in a Billy Collins collection--
my first of his,
of many,
to tell you the truth,
and it hurt.
It is like having a conversational relationship with someone
and then you shut them out of your life.
You weren't done talking to them.
It is like listening to your Grandmother's stories
and then she stops talking to reach for another task.
You weren't done listening to her.
There were such melodious hymns sung from those pages
and now I am filled with silence--
sharp, painful, stabbing silence.
I feel so empty,
so lonely,
so quiet.
It never used to hurt like this.
I never used to squint my eyes--
clenching them shut like this--
when I closed the cover of a book.
I just read the last poem in a Billy Collins collection--
my first of his,
of many,
to tell you the truth,
and it hurt.
It is like having a conversational relationship with someone
and then you shut them out of your life.
You weren't done talking to them.
It is like listening to your Grandmother's stories
and then she stops talking to reach for another task.
You weren't done listening to her.
There were such melodious hymns sung from those pages
and now I am filled with silence--
sharp, painful, stabbing silence.
I feel so empty,
so lonely,
so quiet.
It never used to hurt like this.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Don't Fall In Love With The World
I have a sticky note on my cork board in my room that reminds me, "Don't fall in love with the world." I was never taught this in Sunday school. I was never taught it at home. In all reality the world actually taught me the opposite, especially in America, with the American Dream and all. And I have been wondering where I learned it...why I felt these words were so important.
I was reading Tozer right now and he quoted a verse in 1 John. Here is what I found first, highlighted in four different colors (not even kidding about that one):
Chasing your dreams is one thing. Chasing God's will is another. One is of the world. One is of God. Wanting a big house and the car and the big screen tv are one thing. Trusting God to provide you with what you need is another. There's the worldly way of life, loving the world. And there's a godly way of life, loving God.
Not falling in love with this world is definitely hard for us, but not impossible. Just don't be like me and not learn this until God makes you learn this with Him intervening in your life, like with disease and loss of worldly things. Don't wait for Him to take worldly things away for you to learn you don't need them. Give them up now. It could be the difference between passing away and lasting forever.
I was reading Tozer right now and he quoted a verse in 1 John. Here is what I found first, highlighted in four different colors (not even kidding about that one):
Not loving the world is a simple idea at first, but the lives we are supposed to live based on these words are deep, very deep. It is hard to swim that far under water for long periods of time. But if I have learned anything from God, as He tested me and my desires, it is that this world and its stuff won't last too much longer, but your seeking God, knowing God, and loving God will.Do Not Love the World
"Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For everything in the world--the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does--comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever." (vs. 15-17)
Chasing your dreams is one thing. Chasing God's will is another. One is of the world. One is of God. Wanting a big house and the car and the big screen tv are one thing. Trusting God to provide you with what you need is another. There's the worldly way of life, loving the world. And there's a godly way of life, loving God.
Not falling in love with this world is definitely hard for us, but not impossible. Just don't be like me and not learn this until God makes you learn this with Him intervening in your life, like with disease and loss of worldly things. Don't wait for Him to take worldly things away for you to learn you don't need them. Give them up now. It could be the difference between passing away and lasting forever.
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