And the thing about asking God for things, is that unfortunately sometimes He gives them to you. I say unfortunately because one of the metaphors states that God is my Father, and I His child. And spiritually, let me tell you, I am still a kid. I don't see into the future, I only see now, and I don't think ahead to what I could learn or how I could grow from my experiences, I just want to feel better now. And my ignorance reminds me very much of kids you see in a grocery store crying because their parents won't put a toy or candy into the cart for them.
I mean, they are sobbing, screaming, yelling horrible things to their parents in public about how they must not really love them. And the poor parents' hearts are getting thick with tears they are bottling up inside, and they just want to end the scene their spoiled kid is creating, so they put the candy in the cart. And the second the kid gets in the car they eat the all the candy and then they feel sick, very very sick.
Guess what? I feel sick. Not to my tummy, well yeah, but that is from the disease and meds. You see, to a doctor, especially at Kaiser, a flare is only determined by my blood work. It has no correspondence to how I am feeling or what joints or muscles hurt or how exhausted I am. So they give me a ton of meds to calm my blood work down so that they can push me out the door and not have to listen to me any more, because they have a bunch of other people they still have to push out the door for the day. And so now, according to them, I am no longer flaring, I am supposed to be doing well and feeling good. The thing about blood work though is that it often, if not 99% of the time, has absolutely no reflection of how I feel. And I am not the only one, I know a support group of hundreds of people who have all said the same thing. All the meds do is hide the problem; the disease never goes away.
So here I am, I got what I asked for. On Kaiser's paperwork I am no longer suffering from a flare. And they look at me like, "why are you still complaining?" And I am home, going from bed to couch, couch to bed, too exhausted and in too much pain to even read, still suffering-wishing, I hadn't had wished what I wished, praying to God saying I'm sorry. Telling Him He needs to see all of Time at once and know what is best for me. He needs to ignore my selfish cries for a quick fix candy bar and see the whole picture for me, because I am still just a spoiled kid who needs some great parenting. I need to hear no, so that I am not the whiny kid in the grocery store that everyone is staring at wishing they would just shut up, stop causing a scene. And I am sorry that I put God in the terrible position of being the the parent of that kid, otherwise known as me.
So God, I got what I asked for, and it turns out it isn't what I really wanted. In reality all I want is You. And I feel You drawing me back to You from this experience. Help me carry that out. Help me stop wishing for my will, and trust Your will. Because You are the best parent we could ever have, and that is saying a lot because You blessed me with the best parents a kid could have here on earth. Thank you for them Lord, while I think of it on screen. If I let the whole world know via the Internet (now if only more read this blog), hopefully that can be a way they feel how grateful I am. I am not sure I could do it without them. You really give us what we need Lord, and may we keep it at that because I am guessing more often than not what we think we want will, if you give in, turn out to be something we really don't want. More often than not I am guessing what we want now will not be what we want later, we are fickle kids I've noticed, and our tummies get upset pretty quickly. You, the best parent ever, I believe truly know what is best for us, Your beloved children. So please keep parenting us Father.
1 Peter 4:1-2
"Since Jesus went through everything you are going through and more, learn to think like Him. Think of you sufferings as a weaning from that old sinful habit of always expecting to get your own way." (The Message)
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